


to the boy i loved before (and whom i love more now)

by jedikhaleesi



Series: jamesandkeith week 2018 [2]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Love Letters, M/M, third part is probably out of character because i was desperate and wanted to finish this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-23
Updated: 2018-10-23
Packaged: 2019-08-06 14:18:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,154
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16389302
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jedikhaleesi/pseuds/jedikhaleesi
Summary: Anything James can't say out loud, he says on paper.The expanded version of my first work ("From James") for James and Keith week.





	1. Part 1: From James

James writes the first letter with Keith’s right hook still tingling on the side of his face. He didn’t need a dressing-down from Iverson to know that he messed up. He wants to make it right, but he knows Keith probably won’t look at him after this, much less stand still and listen to him attempt to apologize. So he takes out a pen and a piece of paper and writes out the bare minimum of what he wants (needs) to say.

_ To Keith, _

_ I know what I said today about your parents was really mean. I’m sorry. I never should have said it. I totally deserved that punch. _

_ From, James _

He doesn’t send it or try to slip it into Keith’s room or anything. He probably should, but in this day and age letters are obsolete and a little strange. It’s an obscure way of connecting with other people. At least, that’s what he tells himself when he folds the piece of paper and tucks it into the drawer underneath his desk.

James writes the second letter after a flight sim where Keith effortlessly blows them all away. He wishes the sim instructors would look at him like they look at Keith: like he’s something out of this world, like he’s the pinnacle of all their hopes and dreams.

_ To Keith, _

_ I’m really jealous of your skill with the flight sims. You’re so good. But every time I get jealous I remind myself that I have better grades. _

_ From, James _

He adds the last sentence out of sheer pettiness. He wishes he was better than Keith in anything that really mattered.

James keeps writing letters. They become a way to say everything he can’t in person, because he and Keith have this tense rivalry that is only getting worse with time. He writes them when Ryan is out and hides them in the drawer underneath his desk. He knows he should probably throw them out. They’re humiliating and embarrassing, but it’s cathartic. Each letter says something that he could never make himself say in person.

After the sim scores are released, he writes,  _ Congrats on making the top of the list for the sim scores. You’re an amazing pilot. You deserve it. _

There’s one day in the cafeteria where James hears the familiar laugh of Lieutenant Shirogane. Like everyone else in the Garrison, his eyes are immediately drawn towards it, and he realizes that it was Keith who made him laugh. As soon as he gets back from the mess, he heads straight to his desk, sits down, and takes out pen and paper.  _ I saw you with Lieutenant Shirogane in the mess today. You were the most relaxed and happy I’ve ever seen you. When I looked at you, you were smiling. I’ve never seen you smile before. You should do it more often. _

As a lovely March afternoon comes to a close, Keith walks into the Garrison with a smile on his face and Lieutenant Shirogane by his side. They’ve obviously just been out for a joyride on the hoverbikes. Keith’s hair is windswept and in this moment, he is carefree and beautiful. 

James’ heart stutters in his chest. The letter he pens that night says,  _ I almost couldn’t breathe when I saw you walk into the Garrison today. _

Kerberos happens. James doesn’t have any words. He writes down something, even though it’s essentially nothing, and hopes for the best.

_ Keith, _

_ I’m sorry about Lieutenant Shirogane and the Kerberos mission. I know how much he meant to you. But you can’t let this affect your studies. You have to become a pilot. For him. _

_ From, James _

_ P.S. You keep saying that the Kerberos failure can’t be Lieutenant Shirogane’s fault. I believe you. _

James never finds himself able to speak to Keith. Without Lieutenant Shirogane, Keith’s anger goes unchecked. The Garrison instructors grow more and more frustrated with him, unwilling to put up with his outbursts, disobedience, and recklessness for the brief moments of brilliance that he displays in the sims. Eventually, Keith goes too far. The Garrison refuses to put up with any more. The next day, he’s gone, and it feels wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong. So he takes out paper and writes another letter. They’re beginning to collect in a stack at the bottom of his drawer, squashed underneath his pens and notebooks.

_ Keith, _

_ I can’t believe you got yourself expelled from the Garrison! What are you going to do? Where are you going to go? _

_ What about Lieutenant Shirogane? He believed in you. _

_ From, James _

Even with the person he’s writing to having long disappeared from his life, James can’t find it in himself to stop. He keeps going, keeps writing, keeps spilling out thoughts to a person who will never read them or care about them.

_ Keith, _

_ I always wanted to be at the top of the scoreboard, but it means nothing without you around to see it. _

_ James _

A year after the Kerberos failure, three cadets go missing. The day before, Lance McClain was yelling down the halls of the Garrison. Garrett was following him obediently, and Gunderson was rolling his eyes at both of them. The next day, McClain and his teammates are gone. The Garrison goes quiet. No statement to the public is released, the cadets aren’t allowed to speak to each other about the matter, and the higher-ups say nothing. 

Eventually, though, James begins to hear things. A spaceship crashing into the desert sand. A former cadet in a red jacket riding a hoverbike. Something big and blue coming out of the caves and disappearing in the night sky. It’s all very Night Vale. 

It’s memorable enough that he writes a letter.

_ Keith, _

_ Three Garrison cadets - McClain, Gunderson, Garrett - went missing recently. There are rumors around the Garrison that you went missing with them and a prisoner who crashed in the desert. _

_ Wherever you are, I hope you’re okay. _

_ From, James _

Days pass. Weeks pass. Months pass. Finally, the Garrison releases a statement to cadets, personnel, and families. McClain, Gunderson, and Garrett are presumed dead. Keith isn’t mentioned, but by now everyone practically knows that he disappeared along with them. If they’re presumed dead, he’s presumed dead too.

A little voice in James’ head tells him that the higher-ups are wrong. Keith’s not dead, he knows it. No matter what Iverson and Sanda say, he knows that Keith is out there, living, breathing.

Now that Keith is definitely gone, the letters are the only way to reach him.

_ Keith,  _

_ The Garrison has finally made a statement on the disappearances. You’re all presumed dead. I can’t believe it. I don’t believe it. I refuse to believe that you aren’t out there somewhere punching assholes and taking names. You can’t be dead. I know you’re out there. I know I’m right. I’ll wait. _

_ From, James _


	2. Part 2: To Keith

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Years later, Keith reads a stack of letters left by his bedside.

Keith wakes up in a hospital room with his mom smiling down at him and Kolivan in the corner. When he turns his head, there’s a huge stack of white paper envelopes. The ones on top are slightly more yellow due to age, but the ones on the bottom look as fresh as snow.

Why does he have letters? He didn’t know those were a thing anymore.

Krolia follows his gaze. When she looks back at him, she’s wearing an indecipherable smile. “I can read one to you,” she offers.

Keith nods. His mom pulls a letter from the middle of the stack. He listens to her voice reading it out to him and, even before she says “From, James”, he knows who it’s from. The “punching assholes” line was a dead giveaway. Seems like James at least knows he was an asshole for that one comment he made years ago.

He turns his head and surveys the pile of envelopes. It’s pretty tall, and there are significantly older ones. Are they all from James? How long has he been writing these? What has he been writing for the past six, seven years?

“Did he bring these here?” he asks Krolia.

She shakes her head. “No, it was a girl. She called herself Nadia.”

So Rizavi. Did James not have the guts to bring these himself? If so, he hadn’t changed at all from their Garrison days.

“Do you want me to read another letter?” 

He contemplates how to answer. Even from the first letter, it seems that their contents are meant for him alone. “No thanks. I’ll read them on my own time.”

When he’s discharged from the hospital, he sits on his bunk and starts reading the letters as fast he can. The first letter is an apology for the comment he punched James for, and since they’re all pretty short he reaches the one that Krolia read him, about being presumed dead, relatively quickly.

_ Keith, _

_ I don’t know where you are or how you’re doing, but I hope wherever it is and whatever you’re doing, you’re happy. _

_ James _

Keith takes a moment to think. James probably wrote this at the start of his adventures with Voltron. Those were good times, even if everyone was a little awkward with each other at first. There had been challenges, but there had been laughter too. He thinks about the food fight and smiles to himself.

_ Keith, _

_ I’m an officer now. Along with cadets Nadia Rizavi, Ina Leifsdottir, and Ryan Kinkade. We’re a squadron together. Do you remember them? They were right alongside us in fighter training while you were still here at the Garrison.  _

_ Nadia is really loud and reckless and a great pilot. She reminds me of you. The reckless and good pilot parts, I mean. Not the loud part. You were always the quietest kid in class. Ina is so smart and so observational. Ryan is so quiet, he’s even quieter than you ever were. For every five words you said, he probably says one. He mostly grunts and glares at us, but I know he’s not angry. That’s just how he communicates. _

_ I wonder if we would’ve been put in the same squadron. I wonder if we could’ve ever gotten over how we used to be. _

_ James _

That letter must have been written a few months before Commander Holt’s return to Earth. Of course James completed his training. Everyone expected him to do great things. No one expected Keith to flourish quite like he did. They were right, too. Once Shiro was gone Keith didn’t have any chance of becoming an officer. 

Jealousy sits heavy in his chest, but he pushes it away. James might have become an officer, but it’s clear that he had regrets, too. Keith wonders if maybe they can get over how they used to be now. It would be nice, not having to maintain that tense rivalry.

_ Dear Keith, _

_ Commander Holt talked to me today. It gave me hope, seeing someone who was declared dead years ago in the flesh, but I didn’t let myself believe until I heard confirmation that you’re alive. _

_ You’re alive. Alive, alive, alive. Not just alive, but the leader of a giant robot called Voltron that spreads peace throughout the world. Better than just alive. _

_ But Commander Holt also told me and my squad that an alien race called the Galra are coming for Earth with the intention to invade, and that you’ve been fighting them to gain peace. I don’t know what to do with this information.  _

_ Wherever you are, I hope you’re doing well. I hope you come back to Earth in one piece. I want to see Voltron, and you, for myself. I’m so glad you’re alive. _

_ James _

Wow. Keith would have hated being present for that conversation. He can practically see the incredulity of the MFE pilots and hear having to explain himself multiple times. He really doesn’t have the patience for that, even if he understands “patience yields focus” a little more now.

But it’s the “Alive, alive, alive” line that really gets him. There’s joy in the repetition. James was sincerely glad to know that he wasn’t dead. It throws him off a little.

_ Dear Keith, _

_ Commander Holt has us flying these new fighters. He calls them MFEs. They’re short-range, which doesn’t make sense. We need long-range weaponry to effectively fight the Galra, right? I asked him about it today, and he said that Voltron is long-range. _

_ Where are you? Where is our savior Voltron? We need the capacity to defend ourselves long-range now. If you’re out there, please, come back to Earth. _

_ James _

And there’s the desperation of the beginning war. Where were the paladins of Voltron when Earth began to need them? Stuck in the quintessence field fighting Lotor and his perverse version of Voltron. It makes Keith feel guilty all over again, even though there really wasn’t anything they could have done to escape more quickly.

_ Dear Keith, _

_ We were sent on a supply mission today. It should have been easy. In, get the supplies, out. It wasn’t easy. I should have known. I should’ve been on the lookout. I should have paid more attention. I should have saved Veronica.  _

_ If you come back with the other paladins of Voltron, like Commander Holt says you will, how can I face Lance McClain? How can I face Veronica’s brother and tell him that I did everything I could to save his sister? I can’t, because I didn’t. _

_ And I didn’t do anything to save you, after Lieutenant Shirogane was presumed dead. Even now, I still wonder if there’s anything I could have done to stop you from getting expelled. To become a Garrison pilot like he always wanted you to. To be a part of something greater. _

_ You’re a part of something greater than the Garrison now, though, so I guess it turned out well for you. _

_ Love, James _

So much remorse pours through the paper. There are a couple of tear stains smudging the pen ink, which James clearly attempted to rub away, but it only made the situation worse. The smudges are bigger where he tried to rub them away.

The last two paragraphs force Keith to stop and think. James wanted him to stay at the Garrison. James wanted him there by his side. James wanted to save him from himself.

Keith knows now, six years later, that no one could have saved him after Kerberos. He had to grow and learn about himself. Being expelled from the Garrison was probably one of the better things to happen to him, even if it seemed like the end of the world at the time.

It let him be in Voltron. To be part of something greater, which James recognized.

He works through those emotions first and happens to glance at the last line again by accident. “Love, James?” Who ends a letter like that? 

Love?

From the earlier letters he remembers reading things that verged on romantic, but they seemed to be the result of a crush. “Love” is so much more serious than some teenage crush. Why did James start using it?

_ Dear Keith, _

_ Veronica is alive! _

_ I can’t believe it. She found the resistance, she found her family, she found the Garrison. The only thing left is her brother. _

_ Our situation is getting worse and worse. Please, come back to Earth.  _

_ Love, James _

That letter is a mix of joy and worry. On one hand, someone James had taken for granted was still alive, but on the other, it’s clear that the Garrison was worse off than Keith had ever realized. He and the other paladins had been sucked into their own troubles and beyond noticing the smaller food portions, hadn’t seen much else to indicate how badly the Garrison had been doing.

And the use of “love” again?

_ Keith, _

_ You’re here. On Earth. _

_ I couldn’t believe my eyes. That armor, that red, it suits you so well. Your hair is longer, you’re taller, your shoulders are broader, you have a scar. You look so good. Even surrounded by all the destruction of Platte City, you look so good.  _

_ You look exactly like I remember you and nothing like I remember you. _

_ James _

Well. James very explicitly spelled out his attraction in that one.

_ Keith, _

_ I know you’re going to help Garrett get his family back. About what I said in the meeting - I’m not a bad guy, I promise. I know you’re probably thinking about what I said about your family all those years ago, but I’ve grown up. I’m better than that. It’s just that Commander Holt said no and Garrett still pressed, and it’s so obvious that the paladins have lost touch with how military authority works. _

_ Look, I feel bad for Garrett. My family’s still out there, too. I know what it feels like. So I’ll help you, okay? I’ll break the rules for you. You know me, I don’t break rules for anybody. So if I’m doing it for you, it has to mean something. _

_ Love, James _

James’ family wasn’t in the Garrison? That must have been hell for him. Are they even alive? They might not be alive. Mortality rates due to the invasion in their hometown were pretty high. 

_ Dear Keith, _

_ Your wolf is so cool. I have a dog. Had a dog. Her name was Cindy. I’m not sure if those verbs should be past or present tense. I don’t know what happened to him. I hope she’s okay, but she was old even before the Galra invaded.  _

_ Your wolf makes me miss her. _

_ Love, James _

Keith remembers Cindy. She was a cute little Shiba Inu who was always in the front seat when James’ mom rolled up to the school. She was energetic and would lavish James with sloppy kisses as soon as the window was rolled down. Keith also remembers being faintly jealous, but now he has Kosmo. More importantly, he knows he has Kosmo, rather than being uncertain about his existence.

_ Dear Keith, _

_ I hope this plan to take out the bases goes well. I’ll volunteer to fly you to the base. I hope in some way, it can narrow this gap between us.  _

_ Love, James _

James had been thinking of flying Keith to the base even before he volunteered (outwardly reluctantly) the next day?

“The gap between us is definitely narrowed,” he tells the paper.


	3. Part 3: Postscript

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short, sweet, and out of character: that's how we (I) like to write our fic endings. This third part was very clearly born out of a push to get it done.

James comes back to a room that doesn’t seem quite right. He looks around and tries to figure out what’s bothering him. Ryan’s side of the room is perfectly clean, as always. His own bed is spotless. His papers are neatly laid out on his desk. The drawer with his letters to Keith is locked.

No, the lock is wrong. He takes a step closer. The lock is reversed from its usual position.

“Oh, fuck,” he says, as his heart leaps into his throat. He scrambles to the closet, digs out the key from its nook in one corner, and unlocks the drawer with shaking hands.

His letters are gone.

“Oh, fuck.”

Once he’s done freaking out, James sits on his bed and resolves never to see anyone ever again. He’s never stepping foot outside of this room. He is going to kick Ryan out. They are no longer going to be roommates. He’s resigning his commission. He’s done leading the MFEs. He can never look at the Paladins of Voltron ever again.

* * *

 

_ Dear Keith, _

_ It’s over. _

_ We succeeded. _

_ There are so many things I want to say. _

_ When your lion appeared next to the MFE, she was so beautiful. I can’t imagine how beautiful you would be, sitting in the cockpit, leading the charge against the Galra invaders. _

_ I was so worried, the whole time. I wanted to help you, but the fighters are short range and there’s only so much we could do and so long we can operate. Every minute that I was in the air and you weren’t was a minute that my heart was in my throat and I wished I was there by your side. _

_ When you and the other paladins fell from the sky it felt like the world was ending, and then when you crashed Captain Shirogane ordered us to go after you. I said I’d go to the Black Lion but I meant that I would go to you. I would always go to you, if you’ll let me. You were in the cockpit, and I would’ve looked around and observed the technology if you weren’t slumped over in the pilot’s chair. You were bloodied, but breathing, and when I figured that out everything seemed fine. _

_ You’re in the hospital now. I know you’ll be okay. You have to be okay. _

_ Love, James _

* * *

Keith talks Shiro into giving him the location of James’ room. Shiro looks at him sideways, smiles a smug little smile, and acquiesces. Behind him, Nadia Rizavi watches their exchange with glowing eyes.

He starts off towards James’ room but realizes that Nadia and Shiro are trying to follow him, so he has to lead them on a goose chase through the Garrison until they finally take a hint and stop stalking him. Then he can make his way to where he really wants to go.

The door has two name plates: one for James, and one for Ryan Kinkade. Keith clears his throat and knocks. No response. He frowns, and knocks again. If James isn’t here, it’s going to be embarrassing to explain his lack of results to Shiro. If James isn’t here but his roommate is, it’s going to be embarrassing to explain his purpose to his roommate. He doesn’t look forward to telling Ryan Kinkade, the Garrison Wall, about his romantic feelings.

“Who is it?” he hears through the door. When he realizes that it’s James’ voice, Keith feels his shoulders relax. He’s in the right place at the right time.

“It’s Keith,” he calls back.

“Oh, fuck,” he hears, and there’s the distinct sound of someone falling off a bed and then scrambling to open a window.

“Are you trying to jump out the window?” he yells into the metal. “Griffin, seriously?”

* * *

_ Dear Keith, _

_ Please wake up. There’s so much I want to say. So much I never said, and so much that I owe to you. _

_ Love, James _

* * *

At that, James decides that it’s probably time to man up. So he closes the window (with regret) and opens the door. Keith is standing outside with the letters in his hands and, in other circumstances, what he would call hope on his face.

“I’m really sorry about those,” James says, and tries to snatch them out of his hands. He’s going to shred them to pieces and then take the pieces to the recycling plant himself. Maybe they’ll become a stack of recycled paper. Maybe they’ll become a reusable bag. Anything that happens is better than keeping these pieces of trouble around for others to read. But Keith holds them out of reach. 

“Why are you sorry?” Keith asks.

James laughs nervously. “Because they probably made you super uncomfortable?” He reaches for the letters again, and again Keith moves them out of reach. James stops moving and just stares at him. “Why are you holding on to those? What do you get out of this?”

“Hopefully, someone who cares about me.” Honesty bleeds through Keith’s voice and eyes, and James is both shocked and captivated by it. After all those letters, he’s lost for words.

* * *

_ Dear Keith, _

_ Waiting for you to wake up is like waiting for you to return to Earth. It’s so hard and punishing and I think it’s never going to happen. But every day I tell myself that if you come back, if you wake up, I’ll get so much more than I ever expected. _

_ Love, James _

* * *

James stares at him, mouth wide and face gone slack with shock, and Keith thinks to himself that he must have broken him.

“I can tell you care,” he says, trying to spur him into action with a wave of the hand that’s holding the letters. “Are you going to try to tell me otherwise?”

James sputters. “I- no, I. No.” He shakes his head. At least he’s stopped trying to grab the letters back. Keith is never going to give them back. “Um.”

He hasn’t been turned away yet, so Keith decides to be brave. He takes a step forward, so that he’s all the way into James’ personal space. This close, he can see all the details of James’ face. 

* * *

_ Dear Keith, _

_ I’ll make you a deal: if you wake up, I’ll tell you how I feel. _

_ Love, James  
_

* * *

James can feel his heart speed up. He looks into Keith’s eyes and realizes that he was right. The expression on his face is hope, and the possibility of reciprocation.

“Tell me how you feel, James,” Keith whispers.

James summons all his courage and whispers back, “Keith, I love you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me, reading my own writing: i n t e r e s t i n g

**Author's Note:**

> Find me at crownedallura on tumblr!


End file.
